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| From: (Anonymous) |
Date: May 10th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC) |
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You're online right now, but not at the pc. I need to say stuff, but I don't have anyone to talk to. My best friend would actually kill me if I came to her with this, so I'm coming to you.
I've left it too long. I can't imagine myself as a mother, not at this age. But I may have screwed things up. I might have to wait for a week until I can take a pregnancy test, but until then, all I can do is worry. I don't know how to tell him either. We're not even a couple, and I doubt we ever will be, I think the only reason I slept with him again this time is because he seemed generally interested in me. I thought maybe, this would be all it takes to make him mine. I've hardly spoken to him since it happened. I'm not as upset as I was when it first happened. I just don't want to be pregnant with his child. I don't want a mini version of us growing inside of me, because we're both so fucked up as it is.
I'm not in love with him. But I like him. He's an okay kind of guy. He's interesting, and funny. He's intelligent, and he likes kids. But I don't think he'd want this anymore than I do. I don't know what to do, or who to tell. I can't do this by myself, not right now. But my best friend would kill me, and judge me, and probably tell half the population of her group of friends. Then there's people I go to school with, I can't tell them, I'm not that close to them at the moment, plus with exams.. It's not the right time. And they're younger than me. I don't think they'd know what to do anymore than I do. Then there's my mum. I normally could tell her everything, but not this. Never this. Not at my age. She'd be so dissapointed, and that's the last thing I want. Now there's no one else. No where to turn too. Do I have to do this by myself?
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If you are who I think you are, and I think you are,
I do still care, and I do still like you. But I didnt let you go; we let eachother go. I thought it was sort of unfair that it seemed you were making out it was my fault, and that I made you feel like other people were more important than you in my life but I never meant to.
We both got so busy with life and the people in our lives that we barely had time to talk anymore. I miss you. And today I found photographs of the day we spent together and it made my heart ache.
I wish things could go back to the way they were, but they cant now. Maybe that's not a bad thing though, because things were never great for either of us. And although things still arent great, things have moved on. We could start a whole new friendship. And this time, quiet, shy boyfriends who dont say anything wouldnt get in the way :)
You know, everytime I look at cinnamon I think of you.
I really hope this is you, and not somebody else because if it isnt you, I'm going to feel stupid. Actually no I wont because maybe you'll read this and realise how much I still love you and think about you.
Sorry doesnt even begin to describe it.
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| From: (Anonymous) |
Date: August 27th, 2005 01:34 am (UTC) |
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I want so many things. I'm horribly discontent with my life, with the people around me, the world, everything and everyone. Yet I have pondered the meaning and purpose of things so much that I have reached the conclusion that nothing is really worth wanting. I want to die, but then again I don't, I don't really believe that would make anything better.
Maybe this is what they call apathy . The nothingness that I am is unbarable.
So I usually live in my dreams, which I don't really believe in anyway and are so fragile that one bad thought can shatter them to the ground, leaving the bare, dry, gray emptiness uncovered once again.
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